Three More Days

Things have changed. But more than ever I recognize that they have stayed the same. I don't want to let go. But I realize that it's necessary. Or so I think it is. I'm really scared to let go completely. But I think that in the long run it will serve me well. I don't think I have learned my lesson yet. By letting go too soon, maybe I have forfeited that luxury. Or maybe I am still learning. This leaves me with a lingering anxiety. Perhaps by letting go I may be making the wrong choice? You said that I change my mind too much. I don't think it's the changing of my mind that is so bad. I think it's the thought-process that goes into those decisions in the first place. I don't think things through enough. Or I become entangled by the distraction of niceties.

Deepest Conviction

"A 'No' uttered from the deepest conviction is better than a 'Yes' merely uttered to please, or worse, to avoid trouble." -Mahatma Gandhi

I need to come to realize this. I am the worst at saying yes when I am screaming, "NO!" inside. I really hate it. I need to stand firm in what I think and believe. Everyone else does. Why don't I?

Sugar that ain't so sweet.

Listening to a Portugal. The Man song. I haven't heard them before this moment. They are alright, I suppose.
I don't know what it is, but the past few days I've been so aggravated with someone I'll call Sugar. I like the term Sugar cause it makes me think of things in a bit more humorous light. Any-who... Sugar has been bugging the crap out of me lately. I think that I should really be more sympathetic toward them. They are dealing with some not-so-fun stuff right now. But I am having a really tough time relating to Sugar. They will try to talk to me and I have nothing to say in return. I mean, Sugar will straight up lay their heart out before me and all I have to say is, "Yeah, uh huh." Then tonight I was talking to them and they said something about doing something they had been meaning to do. It annoyed the crap out of me. "Then do it. I'm not helping though. I don't want to. Sorry," I said. Sugar said, "I didn't ask you to. Whatever." I think I'm being sassy because Sugar has plenty of things to criticize me about. They are always warning me about one thing or another. Like I don't realize the so-called danger that is staring me in the face everyday. And my goodness, maybe sometimes I want to make mistakes. Or maybe I just want to see what it will be like to fail big time. I mean, I don't really want to fail. But I want something different out of life for a change.
Lately I've been thinking outside of my box. I feel like I've been rather narrow-minded about some things. And whether or not I change how I think about things, I'm appreciating this time. Because I'm not right about everything. Like, I might think I know the best way to make pancakes, but just because I think that doesn't make it true. I'm testing myself right now. And I think it's rather good.
Back to Sugar... I want Sugar to stop being so damn judgmental all the time. Sugar thinks they have the right to judge people's motives. People's standing in life. Well, guess what??? YOU DON'T. So shut up.
THE END.

(PS. I know all of the "they" and "them" is sort of confusing. But I didn't want to give away who the person is...)

my hopes have blossomed

today courtney sent me an email she had been sent. it was to help me evalute what my self-worth is all about.
i just do not do things because of God's freeing grace. that's what it all boils down to.
i do things because they make me happy or because they make other people happy.
i have yet to grasp the fact that God seriously cares about me. i understand that he has a will for me and that i should support people.

but i don't get how God loves me just as i am because he created me to be like this.

i don't ever feel like i am the person God wants me to be in this moment. i always feel like i should be better than i am.
but that's not really true. if God does have a will for me then who i am right now has to be a part of the equation. the only problem is that who i am right now isn't striving to do what God wants. i don't try to make his heart happy. i try to make my heart happy.
i am beautiful and forgiven in God's eyes.
that's so hard to really know. i've heard it a million times from all the churchies. but my heart just isn't taking hold of it. it's like my heart is a dog sniffing at something it's unsure of. it's curious and skeptical even. but it's not gonna reach out and lick it. because it's unsure of what it really is. that's how my heart is. i think i'm just unsure of how God's love and forgiveness, his acceptance and passion, work out in my life. i'm an individual and i think God has something special to say to my heart tonight. that i haven't heard from all the churchies.