and i think of you...

tonight i drew a picture of a boy with a cigarette and a girl with a piece of fried chicken.

they were holding hands.

weird. but oddly enough, it seems right.

this has nothing to do with real life, i was just thinking about it.

funny.

tonight i'm relaxing. earlier mom, dad, and i went to the christmas parade. i couldn't help but grin.

i'm trying to get "into the season". it's harder than i'd expected, if there's such thing as "getting into the spirit of christmas." i miss debbie. she always had a way of making me feel warm and welcome. when i think of the things i want to feel this season i think of her. we lived together during the summer, but in memory it seems a winter. we were always bundled up with our pajamas on. sitting in the livingroom with a lamp on and a good chick flic playing. something about debbie calls to me. i feel like she's home. something about her. i feel like she's my mother of the heart. that sounds SO lame, i know. but i really feel that way. we just work together.

=)

Your turn to make a choice

Reading a new book!

And I must say, it is delightful!

It's called Pretty Little Mistakes

and it's by Heather McElhatton.

It's a choose-your-ending book!

You decide if you're

going to college or not.

You choose

work or travel.

Paris or England.

Go out or stay in.

It's so much fun!

I recommend this book

for anyone who's looking

for a little adventure

in their boring life.

where would we start, what would we do?

i feel like all i can do, or the least i can do, is love.
i'm so concerned about you.
i want you to be happy and healthy and alive and vibrant.
i want you to love life.
i want you to love God.
it hurts my heart to see you act this way.

i do love you.
and i want only the best for you.
i feel like i know you.
but i don't know the deepest part of you.
i want to make sure you are secure.

the least i can do is cry.
the least i can do is empathize.
i must do everything i can to help you.
i need to stand as one with you.
i will petition all day till the walls break.

just to know you feel secure.

my hopes have blossomed

today courtney sent me an email she had been sent. it was to help me evalute what my self-worth is all about.
i just do not do things because of God's freeing grace. that's what it all boils down to.
i do things because they make me happy or because they make other people happy.
i have yet to grasp the fact that God seriously cares about me. i understand that he has a will for me and that i should support people.

but i don't get how God loves me just as i am because he created me to be like this.

i don't ever feel like i am the person God wants me to be in this moment. i always feel like i should be better than i am.
but that's not really true. if God does have a will for me then who i am right now has to be a part of the equation. the only problem is that who i am right now isn't striving to do what God wants. i don't try to make his heart happy. i try to make my heart happy.
i am beautiful and forgiven in God's eyes.
that's so hard to really know. i've heard it a million times from all the churchies. but my heart just isn't taking hold of it. it's like my heart is a dog sniffing at something it's unsure of. it's curious and skeptical even. but it's not gonna reach out and lick it. because it's unsure of what it really is. that's how my heart is. i think i'm just unsure of how God's love and forgiveness, his acceptance and passion, work out in my life. i'm an individual and i think God has something special to say to my heart tonight. that i haven't heard from all the churchies.

different words for the same thing

happy day to you!

today was a good day.

i worked with one of my favorite people, matthew.

we had a lot of laughs.

i had dinner with one of my best friends.

i talked with some people i've been wanting to talk to.

i got to drive a lot.

i bought new music last night.

missy higgins.

derek webb & sandra mccracken.

makes me feel so good.

i need to realize that life is always good, it's just the circumstances that aren't.

there's never a day that passes that i don't have something to laugh at, to smile at, to be happy about.

I thank God that life goes on even when I don't want it to.

i'm going north

I think I'm over it and then my heart drags me back to the crime scene. Happens everytime.

you call me back.
i turn and smile.
"nevermind," you say.
"oh," i pout.
i turn and begin to walk again.
it starts to rain.
i pull out my umbrella.
my feet trudge through the mud puddles.
after days of walking, the rain slows.
then stops.
i see the rainbow.
then i see you.
you smile gingerly at me.
i give you a hug.
you look to the floor.
"i just wanted to say goodbye."
my heart crashes from its ledge.
you walk away, i cry.
will you ever be back?

the rain starts up again...

sunrise, sunset

Today has been quite productive for me. Definitely compared to most days.

I woke up and made muffins that I shared with my mom and dad.
I showered and got ready for my day.
I vacuumed, swept and mopped the house.
I made a German chocolate cake.
I went for a walk.

It felt nice to get out of the house. I leave the house everyday, but seldom do I take walks. Now, this wasn't a trek by any means. Just a short ten minute walk. I put on my orange boots and my grey sweater and strolled about my parent's property. Only here lately have I noticed how beautiful it is. I've lived here my whole life so I suppose it would grow mundane to me. But I don't know many people who have a view like this. Lots of big trees shedding their leaves. Horses in the pasture grazing. The sky is so big here, and blue too. It makes me happy on a day like today. Today I feel at home in the country.

For nearly the first time in my life.

i am the luckiest...yeah.

i feel so sad. i want to be out there having fun. i'm laying here in sweatpants searching for something to do. the highlight of my night was cleaning my room. where is my passion? my life is so meaningless. God, help me.
i know that others aren't all they're cracked up to be but at least they have the balls to lay it all on the line.
I'm such a fool.

#1: I'm depressed.

I need a place to get things off my chest. I feel a little bit more secure doing it here than on myspace. Hopefully too many people don't find me here. I feel some anonymity here. Maybe I need to change my privacy settings. Whatever.
I let myself get so confused. I don't take control of my life. I spin around in a whirlwind of others opinions. I never seem to have my feet on the ground. My opinions are useless because I don't have any. I try to agree with everyone and make them happy. All the while I feel abused and ignored. Because I don't have anything real to say.
I'm liking the approval of everyone at work. It feels good to know people see my hard work. And I'm getting rewarded for it. But of what use is it?
I want to go to Dallas and I don't know why. I'm feeling the push to go there but if I'm the same old Chassi, what difference will it make? I know I'm gifted and that I can glorify God with my talents, but it's hard to really point out what they are. I like to help people do stuff. Big whoop. How the hell do I make that practical? I'm all into idealism. "It'd be great if I served people a lot. It'd be great if I just knew what to do. I could be so happy if I only knew how God wanted to use my life." Blah, blah, blah! I make up such gay excuses. Seriously, if I won't live life here, what makes me think I'll live it there? If I'm not the person I want to be today, what makes me think I'll be that person tomorrow? I don't work for the things I truly desire. I just hope they'll work out. The things I strive for are the lame things. The position of assistant manager at the cafe? lame. A new computer? even lamer. Those things in themselves aren't bad, just the reasons I want them. They aren't going to make my life better or happier. Who says anything is?
The only thing that I think can make my life good at all is God. And I'll tell you all day I love him. "I love him, I love him, I love him!" But tell me, do you see it? Most of the time I think not. I don't think about God unless I'm in a pickle. I'm such a jerk. I'm so wrapped up in my silly little life that I forget about the air I breathe. More like the one who breathes life into me...
And I feel so lame and let down about that boy. It's a weird thing to be let in on the inside track of things and then be let down so fast. I thought it could maybe, possibly work. And maybe it still can. But surely not right now. Honestly, he's a little weirder than I expected. He's still a doll and an amazing guy, but some of the things he thinks about are just odd to me. Maybe I'm just a prude. So be it. Well, not, "so be it". Because I'm not that content in distancing myself from guys anymore. I'm not going to go out and chase someone, but I'm at the point where I feel comfortable with someone trying to pursue me. I feel super foolish for saying that, though. Because thus far, I haven't had anyone try and pursue me. I think it's because I try to keep myself safe. So I turn out a little disinterested. That's probably why it didn't work out with him. But I'm obviously still thinking about him.
Thanks for protecting me...