today courtney sent me an email she had been sent. it was to help me evalute what my self-worth is all about.
i just do not do things because of God's freeing grace. that's what it all boils down to.
i do things because they make me happy or because they make other people happy.
i have yet to grasp the fact that God seriously cares about me. i understand that he has a will for me and that i should support people.
but i don't get how God loves me just as i am because he created me to be like this.
i don't ever feel like i am the person God wants me to be in this moment. i always feel like i should be better than i am.
but that's not really true. if God does have a will for me then who i am right now has to be a part of the equation. the only problem is that who i am right now isn't striving to do what God wants. i don't try to make his heart happy. i try to make my heart happy.
i am beautiful and forgiven in God's eyes.
that's so hard to really know. i've heard it a million times from all the churchies. but my heart just isn't taking hold of it. it's like my heart is a dog sniffing at something it's unsure of. it's curious and skeptical even. but it's not gonna reach out and lick it. because it's unsure of what it really is. that's how my heart is. i think i'm just unsure of how God's love and forgiveness, his acceptance and passion, work out in my life. i'm an individual and i think God has something special to say to my heart tonight. that i haven't heard from all the churchies.
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