I need a place to get things off my chest. I feel a little bit more secure doing it here than on myspace. Hopefully too many people don't find me here. I feel some anonymity here. Maybe I need to change my privacy settings. Whatever.
I let myself get so confused. I don't take control of my life. I spin around in a whirlwind of others opinions. I never seem to have my feet on the ground. My opinions are useless because I don't have any. I try to agree with everyone and make them happy. All the while I feel abused and ignored. Because I don't have anything real to say.
I'm liking the approval of everyone at work. It feels good to know people see my hard work. And I'm getting rewarded for it. But of what use is it?
I want to go to Dallas and I don't know why. I'm feeling the push to go there but if I'm the same old Chassi, what difference will it make? I know I'm gifted and that I can glorify God with my talents, but it's hard to really point out what they are. I like to help people do stuff. Big whoop. How the hell do I make that practical? I'm all into idealism. "It'd be great if I served people a lot. It'd be great if I just knew what to do. I could be so happy if I only knew how God wanted to use my life." Blah, blah, blah! I make up such gay excuses. Seriously, if I won't live life here, what makes me think I'll live it there? If I'm not the person I want to be today, what makes me think I'll be that person tomorrow? I don't work for the things I truly desire. I just hope they'll work out. The things I strive for are the lame things. The position of assistant manager at the cafe? lame. A new computer? even lamer. Those things in themselves aren't bad, just the reasons I want them. They aren't going to make my life better or happier. Who says anything is?
The only thing that I think can make my life good at all is God. And I'll tell you all day I love him. "I love him, I love him, I love him!" But tell me, do you see it? Most of the time I think not. I don't think about God unless I'm in a pickle. I'm such a jerk. I'm so wrapped up in my silly little life that I forget about the air I breathe. More like the one who breathes life into me...
And I feel so lame and let down about that boy. It's a weird thing to be let in on the inside track of things and then be let down so fast. I thought it could maybe, possibly work. And maybe it still can. But surely not right now. Honestly, he's a little weirder than I expected. He's still a doll and an amazing guy, but some of the things he thinks about are just odd to me. Maybe I'm just a prude. So be it. Well, not, "so be it". Because I'm not that content in distancing myself from guys anymore. I'm not going to go out and chase someone, but I'm at the point where I feel comfortable with someone trying to pursue me. I feel super foolish for saying that, though. Because thus far, I haven't had anyone try and pursue me. I think it's because I try to keep myself safe. So I turn out a little disinterested. That's probably why it didn't work out with him. But I'm obviously still thinking about him.
Thanks for protecting me...
No comments:
Post a Comment