To Be Back

At first I came back because it was the right thing to do.

But I know now that I must allow Him to woo me back with His love.

To be entranced by His beauty and majesty and the longings of my soul.

Though I cannot see Him, my soul can feel the air of His presence.

It is something altogether a mystery, yet altogether a fact that my soul testifies to.

Rest

Dear Lord,
I will rest in You.

February 17, 2010

Courtney just got home and is fixing to cut Bryce's hair. He's is talking with me about Richard Gere and how he is the mothman from the Mothman Prophecy movie. Then Bryce hits me on the knee with a hammer and walks off.
Now I hear Courtney and Bryce in the bathroom, her cutting his hair. I love their conversations.

Today has been an unexpectedly good day.

I got up this morning at six, having gotten less sleep than normal. Surprisingly I wasn't groggy. Made coffee. Sat down at the table and read about Jacob meeting Rachel in the Bible. I'm finding myself not liking Jacob as much as I remember liking him other times I had read the story. And it's hard for me to not like someone. I think it is because he kind of yanked both Esau's birthright and blessing out from underneath him. I'm finding myself thinking, "Just get over it... that's how the story happened. Don't worry about it." I never expected to invest myself into the stories in Genesis. I don't know why. But I've been surprised, and joyously so.
I've been contemplating more and more lately the concept of being godly. I'm so thankful for my pastor, Matt Chandler. His words help me understand grace more clearly. It's finally dawning on me that "... it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God— not by works, so that no one can boast." Thank you, God.

After I eat breakfast I prep for work and talk with Courtney before we head out. We meet back up at work. We usually carpool, but after work she went out to buy my birthday present (score!). After work I went to my sister's for a few minutes and then came home.
Cut to now. Stephanie is sitting in front of the TV eating cereal and watching The Real World. Courtney and Bryce are still cuttin' some hair. Steph keeps saying stuff like, "Come on!" and, "Don't you think The Real World: Hawaii was better?" She's just precious.

I better go hang out with my awesome roommates. Cause they rule and make me feel so happy to be who I am. :)

Talk soon, CB

my hopes have blossomed

today courtney sent me an email she had been sent. it was to help me evalute what my self-worth is all about.
i just do not do things because of God's freeing grace. that's what it all boils down to.
i do things because they make me happy or because they make other people happy.
i have yet to grasp the fact that God seriously cares about me. i understand that he has a will for me and that i should support people.

but i don't get how God loves me just as i am because he created me to be like this.

i don't ever feel like i am the person God wants me to be in this moment. i always feel like i should be better than i am.
but that's not really true. if God does have a will for me then who i am right now has to be a part of the equation. the only problem is that who i am right now isn't striving to do what God wants. i don't try to make his heart happy. i try to make my heart happy.
i am beautiful and forgiven in God's eyes.
that's so hard to really know. i've heard it a million times from all the churchies. but my heart just isn't taking hold of it. it's like my heart is a dog sniffing at something it's unsure of. it's curious and skeptical even. but it's not gonna reach out and lick it. because it's unsure of what it really is. that's how my heart is. i think i'm just unsure of how God's love and forgiveness, his acceptance and passion, work out in my life. i'm an individual and i think God has something special to say to my heart tonight. that i haven't heard from all the churchies.

#1: I'm depressed.

I need a place to get things off my chest. I feel a little bit more secure doing it here than on myspace. Hopefully too many people don't find me here. I feel some anonymity here. Maybe I need to change my privacy settings. Whatever.
I let myself get so confused. I don't take control of my life. I spin around in a whirlwind of others opinions. I never seem to have my feet on the ground. My opinions are useless because I don't have any. I try to agree with everyone and make them happy. All the while I feel abused and ignored. Because I don't have anything real to say.
I'm liking the approval of everyone at work. It feels good to know people see my hard work. And I'm getting rewarded for it. But of what use is it?
I want to go to Dallas and I don't know why. I'm feeling the push to go there but if I'm the same old Chassi, what difference will it make? I know I'm gifted and that I can glorify God with my talents, but it's hard to really point out what they are. I like to help people do stuff. Big whoop. How the hell do I make that practical? I'm all into idealism. "It'd be great if I served people a lot. It'd be great if I just knew what to do. I could be so happy if I only knew how God wanted to use my life." Blah, blah, blah! I make up such gay excuses. Seriously, if I won't live life here, what makes me think I'll live it there? If I'm not the person I want to be today, what makes me think I'll be that person tomorrow? I don't work for the things I truly desire. I just hope they'll work out. The things I strive for are the lame things. The position of assistant manager at the cafe? lame. A new computer? even lamer. Those things in themselves aren't bad, just the reasons I want them. They aren't going to make my life better or happier. Who says anything is?
The only thing that I think can make my life good at all is God. And I'll tell you all day I love him. "I love him, I love him, I love him!" But tell me, do you see it? Most of the time I think not. I don't think about God unless I'm in a pickle. I'm such a jerk. I'm so wrapped up in my silly little life that I forget about the air I breathe. More like the one who breathes life into me...
And I feel so lame and let down about that boy. It's a weird thing to be let in on the inside track of things and then be let down so fast. I thought it could maybe, possibly work. And maybe it still can. But surely not right now. Honestly, he's a little weirder than I expected. He's still a doll and an amazing guy, but some of the things he thinks about are just odd to me. Maybe I'm just a prude. So be it. Well, not, "so be it". Because I'm not that content in distancing myself from guys anymore. I'm not going to go out and chase someone, but I'm at the point where I feel comfortable with someone trying to pursue me. I feel super foolish for saying that, though. Because thus far, I haven't had anyone try and pursue me. I think it's because I try to keep myself safe. So I turn out a little disinterested. That's probably why it didn't work out with him. But I'm obviously still thinking about him.
Thanks for protecting me...