Three More Days

Things have changed. But more than ever I recognize that they have stayed the same. I don't want to let go. But I realize that it's necessary. Or so I think it is. I'm really scared to let go completely. But I think that in the long run it will serve me well. I don't think I have learned my lesson yet. By letting go too soon, maybe I have forfeited that luxury. Or maybe I am still learning. This leaves me with a lingering anxiety. Perhaps by letting go I may be making the wrong choice? You said that I change my mind too much. I don't think it's the changing of my mind that is so bad. I think it's the thought-process that goes into those decisions in the first place. I don't think things through enough. Or I become entangled by the distraction of niceties.

On this day:

Why do I make decisions like I do?
I seem to do it for my circle of influence.
Not for me.

I'm happy.
And I think I could be happy just about anywhere.
Doing just about anything.

But I'm not.
Because I am who they all want me to be.
I'm not me for me.

I sit down.
I don't want to have to stand up.
Make a choice that is my own.

I'm selfish.
I'm determined to have my way.
But I don't know how.

I want so much.
So much of everything.
To make me happy.

A few nights ago I did something that was completely for me. It felt so
good. I did it because I wanted to. I was determined I would accomplish it.
And I did.

I need to do things like that more often; get out of my comfort zone
and just go for it. I need to have goals that I can achieve with what I have
right now. Not goals that I'll accomplish when I get more money, am older,
etc. Goals that are for me here and now.

I sure do wish I had the power cord for that electric keyboard...