Workin' Days

Well, things have started to look up. I'm not nearly as stressed out as I was a few days ago. I've decided that I've made my bed and I'm gonna sleep in it. It might not be a Simmon's Beauty-Rest Pillow-Top mattress, but it'll do for now.
I'll be working full-time in the office at a construction company I've been working at for about 6 months. I've been working part-time, but now is as good a time as any to keep on keepin' on.
I'm a little sad that I have to quit my job at the toy store. Mainly because it has been da bomb, yo. I'm going to miss being able to play games and run around and sing.

I Feel Like An Official Failure.

Alright.

I feel like a real big stoop.

I have no idea what I’m doing!

I feel like a mouse trapped in a maze.

I just told my boss at my part-time office job that I want to work full time.

And now… Now I am freaking out.

What am I thinking?

I don’t even like it here!

I’m going to turn down a part time job that I just got yesterday.

And that job seems pretty decent.

But I’m scared.

Money is the issue.

My shoulders are tense from this job.

Why do I want it?

I don’t know if I can make it last anyway…

And why, oh why, do I ask for the opinions of others?

I just want them to make my decision for me.

BUT when I follow their lead blindly I am never happy with where I end up.

What are they to do with a girl like me?

Counting Upward

Today was a wonderfully breezy day. The leaves on the trees haven't changed much yet, but they have started falling. I love that the temperature is finally starting to drop. Today as I was doing things around the house, I opened all the windows. It was so beautiful outside!
I worked at the toy store today. I heard a silly conversation take place tonight between my co-worker, Carolyn and a little boy. I've seen the boy and his mother before. He has light brown curly hair and today he was wearing a pair of lime green sunglasses. As he and his mother were leaving, Carolyn said bye to them and the boy stopped to talk to her. She asked how old he was and he told her to guess. She said, "Three?" and he said, "No. Higher." Carolyn guessed five and he said, "Three the other way." She then said, "Four?" The boy finally gave in and said, "Three and three-quarters." Carolyn jokingly said, "Who's counting anyway, right?" The boy pointed at her and said, "You are!" It was precious. That boy always seems like such a cute little free-spirit. I love it.
After I got off work I drove to a coffee shop and got an Americano. I miss coffee shops so much. I rarely go, but love the atmosphere and the smell... everything. I browsed the shelves while I was waiting and found a brilliant invention. I bought it. It's basically a French Press in a take-with-you cup. Makes me happy!

photo via Wetherill Family

Piping hot.

I’m going to kill her. That sound she has for her texts is going to make me crazy.
I am hoping soooo much that maybe she has it set to that sound just for Halloween. A weird, creepy, animal sound that is also annoying. That’s what it is.
But I’m not counting on it. I’m sure she set it to that sound just because I started working here. That or it’s because she’s pregnant.
That’s gotta be it…

#1: I'm depressed.

I need a place to get things off my chest. I feel a little bit more secure doing it here than on myspace. Hopefully too many people don't find me here. I feel some anonymity here. Maybe I need to change my privacy settings. Whatever.
I let myself get so confused. I don't take control of my life. I spin around in a whirlwind of others opinions. I never seem to have my feet on the ground. My opinions are useless because I don't have any. I try to agree with everyone and make them happy. All the while I feel abused and ignored. Because I don't have anything real to say.
I'm liking the approval of everyone at work. It feels good to know people see my hard work. And I'm getting rewarded for it. But of what use is it?
I want to go to Dallas and I don't know why. I'm feeling the push to go there but if I'm the same old Chassi, what difference will it make? I know I'm gifted and that I can glorify God with my talents, but it's hard to really point out what they are. I like to help people do stuff. Big whoop. How the hell do I make that practical? I'm all into idealism. "It'd be great if I served people a lot. It'd be great if I just knew what to do. I could be so happy if I only knew how God wanted to use my life." Blah, blah, blah! I make up such gay excuses. Seriously, if I won't live life here, what makes me think I'll live it there? If I'm not the person I want to be today, what makes me think I'll be that person tomorrow? I don't work for the things I truly desire. I just hope they'll work out. The things I strive for are the lame things. The position of assistant manager at the cafe? lame. A new computer? even lamer. Those things in themselves aren't bad, just the reasons I want them. They aren't going to make my life better or happier. Who says anything is?
The only thing that I think can make my life good at all is God. And I'll tell you all day I love him. "I love him, I love him, I love him!" But tell me, do you see it? Most of the time I think not. I don't think about God unless I'm in a pickle. I'm such a jerk. I'm so wrapped up in my silly little life that I forget about the air I breathe. More like the one who breathes life into me...
And I feel so lame and let down about that boy. It's a weird thing to be let in on the inside track of things and then be let down so fast. I thought it could maybe, possibly work. And maybe it still can. But surely not right now. Honestly, he's a little weirder than I expected. He's still a doll and an amazing guy, but some of the things he thinks about are just odd to me. Maybe I'm just a prude. So be it. Well, not, "so be it". Because I'm not that content in distancing myself from guys anymore. I'm not going to go out and chase someone, but I'm at the point where I feel comfortable with someone trying to pursue me. I feel super foolish for saying that, though. Because thus far, I haven't had anyone try and pursue me. I think it's because I try to keep myself safe. So I turn out a little disinterested. That's probably why it didn't work out with him. But I'm obviously still thinking about him.
Thanks for protecting me...